24 January 2016


I was thinking that, this would be as easy as should be. But then realizing me with tons of consciousness that isn't at all. It's hard. I even not close to the 'new revelation' that let it be would be a good way. When he leave me, he brought a half of me with him. He is always be my flashlight in every single inch of my ways. When he gone, the flashlight disappear suddenly. And i'm like in my darkness again. I find myself difficult to breath. Difficult to do what the most easiest things in my life. I think i'm ready but i'm not.....

I'm, maybe, be the one who cry less when he passed away.
I'm, maybe the only one who not let anyone put their palms in my shoulders to gave strength. 
I'm maybe, the only one who still keep in smile around.
But now i realize that was only a mask. I'm broken when he passed away.
I want him back, but he won't be back. He was finish his journey.
Now i know that i missed him so much.

I just want to say this: some things are unforgivable, and some parents doing anything than loving and supporting sons & daughters are just a few of them. 

But you dad, has always said that you could never tell me what to do, only advise me.

You has said, you would never force my hand in anything, knowing it would make me unhappy.

You has said, you would always be there, despite my choices and you would make things better if it was the wrong choice.

And you did it. Many times. 

"That what parents do", you said, every times i asked why.

Not having you around is really a very hard time for me. But i do realize that i haven't own you forever. There is always a time when i have to let you go. And the time is now. But you know dad, you're the only one hero in my life. I owe you happiness. I know the only one happiness could be is when you found me happy. But how can it be if you're not around. Rest in peace dad. and my life goes on, have to. I never promise it would be oke. But i'm trying.